How To Outsmart A Master Manipulator: 11 Ways To Protect Yourself
You outsmart an everyday master manipulator – at work, in the family or in your circle of friends – with two things: awareness that you are dealing with one, and actively looking for ways not to get caught in their web. In practice, that means learning the tactics, saying no, setting boundaries, keeping records and bringing in outside help when it is more than you should handle alone.
I would rather figure out what I will agree to than spend my time dreaming up a clever trick to use on someone else.
On This Page
- What Is A Master Manipulator?
- What Is Coercive Control?
- How To Spot A Manipulator: 9 Common Tactics
- Emotional Manipulation: Notice Your Own Feelings First
- How To Outsmart A Master Manipulator: 11 Ways
- Manipulator Or Scammer? Some Of The Same Moves
- When To Stop Outsmarting And Get Help
- But Wait, What About Manipulating The Manipulator?
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Conclusion
Note: if you are in immediate danger, call 911. If someone is threatening you or scaring you, you do not have to handle it alone – in the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline can talk you through your options.
I have been on the receiving end of a manipulative relationship more times than I care to admit. All the disappointments and failures that came from being the target of emotional manipulation turned me into an avid reader of self-help books and psychology articles.
It was one of the first times I really stopped being an approval addict, stood up for myself and tried to understand what makes a manipulator tick, and how to keep him or her from having any power over me.
Manipulation is just one kind of pressure you will run into, and it helps to recognize different kinds of pressure before you decide how to respond.
If you want to learn how to outsmart a manipulator, you first need to know what makes a person a manipulator, and then how to recognize those traits in someone.
What Is A Master Manipulator?
A master manipulator is a person who uses other people to:
- control the outcome of a situation
- seize power
- gain control at work or in a relationship
- turn you into a scapegoat
- reap the benefits of your hard work
The tools they might use are:
- lies
- deceit
- guilt
- false hope
- intimidation
What makes them a master is that they are good at it and subtle about it. Usually, they want what they want without getting caught manipulating people, because, well, news of this sort spreads fast.
Setting clear boundaries lets you decide ahead of time what you will and will not go along with. We will get to exactly how in a minute.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of controlling behavior, such as cutting you off from friends and family, controlling your money, or intimidating you with threatening looks or actions, as the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s warning signs describe. The Hotline describes domestic violence as a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control.
Here is the important part: coercive control is not something to outsmart.
If that description sounds familiar, skip the clever tactics and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The rest of this article is written for the everyday manipulator – the one at work, in the family or in your circle of friends.
How To Spot A Manipulator: 9 Common Tactics
If your gut feeling is telling you something is off, it is worth taking a closer look.
A manipulative person often falls into certain behavioral patterns – a few strategies they use over and over again to gain the upper hand. If you know what you are looking for, those patterns are easier to notice.
Let’s take a look at how this plays out.
You are at work. You are very anxious because you have deadlines and expectations to meet, numbers to crunch, and a shifting economy forces you to be on the very top of your game.
One of your coworkers seems very interested, even concerned, about what you are going through. After chatting for a few minutes, you might think you have just met your best friend in the whole world.
But whenever it is this person’s turn to talk about themselves, they quickly change the topic back to you. Their questions are pointed, even purposeful, and their entire focus is on you, even for trivial topics.
A few weeks later, the same coworker stops by your desk:
“Hey Sam. I am a little bit worried about you. Those jerks at the office are envious of your success and of how the boss has been paying attention to your ideas. The other day I heard Jennifer say something on the phone about ‘that arrogant bastard’. I think she might have been talking about you. This has happened to me too. I think we should have each other’s back and show the big man how valuable our ideas are.”
Notice how he expresses concern – he is worried about you. He points out that it happened to him too, and suddenly the “I” becomes “we”, and his best interests become your best interests.
Sound familiar?
To be fair, while writing this I can’t help noticing how all of us, at certain moments in our lives, use some of these tactics.
Knowingly or unknowingly, we try to drive our point across to our loved ones. Knowingly or unknowingly, we find excuses for it – “of course I needed to tell her that, it is the right thing for her to do”.
Knowingly or unknowingly – and that is the big difference. A master manipulator does it on purpose, with a plan.
So what are the possible signs of a manipulator? Keep in mind that these are examples to look at in context, not proof of anyone’s motives and not a diagnosis. Plenty of ordinary people do some of these things on a bad day. What matters is the pattern, and how the person reacts when you say no.
They make you talk about yourself a lot more than they talk about themselves
For a manipulator, this can be a way to find out your strengths, your weaknesses, what you admire, what you fear and what you want most. Another word for it is reconnaissance.
Yes, it might be genuine interest. But if the person avoids direct questions about themselves every single time, pay attention to that.
They try to make you feel indebted to them
My friend Robert’s eyes will pop out of their orbits for telling you this (yes, I know, I’m giving strangers weapons to use against me), but this strategy works with me more often than not. When someone offers me kindness, I feel an obligation to pay them back tenfold.
It is not the case with Robert, but I have had people consciously use that against me. I am a big believer in the better nature of most people, but I have learned through years of trial and error how to reduce the leverage others have over me. I have done that by becoming more suspicious (a trait that I dislike in myself, but still need) and by letting trust grow with a track record.
Most people who are kind to you are just being kind. The one to watch is the person who keeps bringing up what you “owe” them.
You do not have to turn suspicious of everybody, either. Small favors first, bigger ones later.
They use small threats to back up their demands
The threat is usually small, and the favor they want is sitting right next to it. Something like: “If you can’t cover my shift this weekend, I guess I’ll have to mention to the boss that you’ve been leaving early.”
Notice the trade they are offering. You give them the concession, and they hold back something that hurts you. Once you see it as a trade, it is a lot easier to decide whether you want to make it.
They twist the facts
Manipulators can be very persuasive, and they may use that skill to change the way you see things. When someone twists your emotions, words and experiences and uses them against you until you start questioning your own reality, the Hotline calls it gaslighting.
They play the victim – no one understands them, but you might be the exception
They suffer, and you are the knight or dame (I had to google the feminine equivalent for knight) on a white horse who comes to their timely rescue.
They make you feel guilty
Usually, they do it by putting words you did not say into your mouth, or by making you feel responsible for things that are not your responsibility. Remember that you are not responsible for the choices other people make.
There is one big exception.
If someone talks about hurting themselves, take it seriously, even if you suspect it is a guilt trip. In the U.S., point them to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 if they are in danger right now. Then let the professionals do their job.
They constantly judge and criticize you
They may work at lowering your self-esteem. This has also happened to me a lot of times, and it took me a loooong time to get rid of the “I’m not good enough” and “No one wants me” beliefs.
DO NOT LET ANYONE DO THAT TO YOU. Especially friends, family and significant others.
They give you false hope
This is one of a master manipulator’s worst offenses. The promotion, the apology, the “things will be different” – it is always just around the corner, and the corner keeps moving. Don’t even get me started on it.
They lie, and when they get caught, they flip it on you
Their actions often do not match what they say or promise. And if you are a believer in the better nature of people, like me (they might call us gullible, but they are wrong), you can end up caught in their web before you know it.
When you finally catch them, some will laugh it off as a joke, and some will go on the attack.
Psychologist Jennifer Freyd named one version of this pattern DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. In plain English, you bring up what they did, and somehow you end up apologizing.
Here is Dr. Freyd, a professor emerita of psychology at the University of Oregon, explaining what DARVO means, since she is the one who coined it.
Emotional Manipulation: Notice Your Own Feelings First
Emotional manipulation goes after how you feel – guilt, fear, pity, the need to be liked – rather than what you think.
Your feelings show up in more than your words:
- your body language
- your tone of voice (what you sound like if you focus only on the sound, not the words)
- your facial expressions
- your eyes
That is normal and human. If someone pushes your buttons, it is not because you failed to hide them, and you do not have to turn into a poker player to deal with a manipulator.
The useful part is noticing what you feel before you decide anything. Psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer wrote one of the early papers on this, simply titled “Emotional Intelligence”, back in 1990. In plain English, it is about noticing and understanding emotions, yours and other people’s, and letting that awareness guide what you do next.
So you’re probably thinking – this is easier said than done. You are absolutely correct, I thought the exact same thing while writing these words.
It has a bit of a learning curve, but being aware of your emotions is a very good first step. Having clear goals helps too, because it gives you something to steer by when someone is pushing your buttons.
This takes us to our next topic.
How To Outsmart A Master Manipulator: 11 Ways
None of these require you to be sneaky. That is kind of the point.
1. Avoid contact with one
Yeah, I know, you’re thinking “duh, are you obvious much?”, but if you can do it, stay away from emotional manipulators. Change seats, change teams, change the friend group you hang out with on Fridays.
2. Say no
A lot of us feel sorry for others (who do not necessarily deserve our pity) and agree to things that go against our better judgment.
Just say no. The more often you practice it, the easier it becomes, and you are still a good person even if you say no once in a while. You know this for a fact.
3. Don’t take the bait
If you cannot avoid a manipulator, keep your interactions short and boring. You do not have to win every argument or correct every twisted fact out loud. Listen, nod, and then do whatever you think is best, anyway.
Keep in mind that this is for everyday annoyances. If you are afraid of the person, going quiet is not a safety plan – talk to someone who can help you make one.
4. Set personal boundaries
Oh, this is so important, it has me quivering with impatience to put the words down on my computer screen. Setting boundaries is ohhh, so important, no, it might be the most important one on this list.
It matters in any kind of relationship. It is a lot easier to do at the very beginning, when people do not know what to expect from you yet, than it is to change course midway, when some people will start asking questions or try to make you feel guilty for it.
How do you do it? Let them know, clearly and calmly, what you will and will not do:
- “No, sorry, you cannot use my notes. I put a lot of work into them, and I’d like to present them myself when I am done with the first draft.”
- “No, I will not go with you to the boss to pitch your half-baked idea and help you ask for a promotion.”
- “No, you cannot call me every night. We are not in a relationship, and I need to study for my exam. I will call you when I have the time.”
- “Please stop calling. You are a good person, but we are not a good match.”
It is sorta like saying no, but saying no with a purpose.
And notice that each one is about what you will do. You cannot control their reaction, only your side of the line.
5. Set goals
Clearly define your goals – personal, career, health, money and relationships. Then you have something to check every request against: does this get me closer to where I am going, or closer to where they want me?
6. Own your work and your choices
Good or bad.
Some manipulators, especially at work, take credit for other people’s work or blame someone else for their own mistakes. Keep your own clear account of what you did (and did not do), so you are not relying on their version. It is also the best way I know to focus on your choices rather than another person’s behavior, which is the one part of this you actually control.
7. Keep a record of everything you are involved in
Before anything else: do this only if it does not increase your risk. If the person can see your phone, computer or accounts, the Hotline’s guide to documenting abuse warns that a partner might be monitoring your texts or social media, so read it before you start.
If it is safe, write down calls, texts, emails, meetings, your work and your part in shared projects. Keep a simple notebook or diary with dates, times and a short description of what happened. Save the messages and emails you receive, and keep files that show your own contributions at work.
A few cautions here:
- Rules about recording conversations differ from state to state, so check the Reporter’s Recording Guide or a lawyer where you live before you record anyone.
- Do not install monitoring software on someone else’s phone or computer, or log into their accounts.
- Keep your records somewhere the other person cannot get to.
8. Do not let them drive your emotions
I am still working on this one myself, but I think I’m making progress. A manipulator may try to twist your emotions and blow them out of proportion once they figure out which buttons to push.
What helps is giving yourself the gift of time. Whether you are feeling anger, guilt or sudden blind trust, you do not have to answer right now.
“Let me think about it” is a complete sentence. Be your own hero and take some time to think things through.
9. Get a reality check, not a diagnosis
It is tempting to look up a few articles and put a clinical label on the person who is making your life hard. Don’t. You are not their doctor, and a label will not change what you should do next.
Sometimes the person causing the trouble is struggling, not scheming. Either way, the diagnosis is not your job – your boundaries are.
What actually helps is an outside view, like a trusted friend who will tell you the truth and can spot a pattern you are too close to see. If all of this is wearing you down, talk to a licensed therapist or counselor. You do not have to figure everything out by yourself.
10. Keep things clear and consistent
This goes hand in hand with setting boundaries. You are not trying to scare anyone or win anything:
- For ordinary work agreements, ask for written confirmation, and copy only the people who are already part of that work.
- Give the same answer on Monday that you gave on Friday.
- Think twice before handing out personal information.
- You can politely decline “just between us” conversations with someone who has been playing games.
11. Bring in outside help
You do not have to handle a master manipulator alone. Depending on where the problem is:
- At work: use a reporting channel that does not run through the person causing the problem, such as HR or a manager who is not involved.
- With family or friends: talk it over with someone you trust who is not part of the situation.
- Legal questions: talk to a lawyer licensed where you live.
- A partner or family member who scares you: contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.).
- Any immediate danger: call 911.
Notice what is not on this list: revenge.
I am not going to pretend it is never tempting. But turning their friends against them or exposing their secrets is not who I want to be, it can backfire in ways you cannot predict, and it hands them a story where they get to be the victim.
Hello, DARVO.
Manipulator Or Scammer? Some Of The Same Moves
The tactics in this article are not limited to coworkers and exes. According to the FTC’s guide on how to avoid a scam, scammers:
- pretend to be from an organization you know
- say there is a problem or a prize
- pressure you to act immediately
- tell you to pay in a specific way
Pretending and pressure show up in everyday manipulation too, just slower and without a script. If you want to see how this plays out over the phone, we cover the pressure tactics in suspicious calls in a separate article. In both cases, slowing down before you act gives you room to check what is really going on.
When To Stop Outsmarting And Get Help
Everything above assumes you are dealing with an annoying, sneaky person, not a dangerous one. Get outside help right away if:
- You are afraid for your safety, or for someone else’s.
- The person threatens you, your kids, your pets or your money.
- They keep tabs on your phone, where you go or what you spend.
- They have slowly cut you off from your friends and family.
- They talk about hurting themselves or someone else.
Call 911 in an emergency. In the U.S., for a partner or family member, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. For a mental health crisis, call or text 988.
But Wait, What About Manipulating The Manipulator?
But wait, there’s a 12th way to deal with a master manipulator, and it is the one I do not recommend: manipulate them back.
If someone has been doing this for years, you would be playing their game by their rules. And even if you win, you have turned into the very thing you were trying to get away from.
Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes? Who Watches The Watchmen?
A little bit of Latin is a good and fancy way to end an argument. If you set out to watch over a manipulator’s dealings and foil them, make sure you do not become one in the process. After all, if you do turn into a manipulator, who is going to watch over you?
Frequently Asked Questions
How Do You Outsmart A Master Manipulator?
With awareness and boundaries, not with tricks. Learn the tactics, say no, keep records where it is safe to, give yourself time before you answer, and bring in outside help when you need it.
What Are The Signs Of A Master Manipulator?
Possible signs include getting you to talk about yourself while revealing little, making you feel indebted or guilty, twisting facts, playing the victim, constant criticism, false promises, and flipping things on you when caught. Look at the pattern over time, not at one bad day.
Should You Confront A Manipulator?
That is your call, and it depends on the situation. If you are afraid of how the person will react, get safety advice that fits your situation before you decide whether to confront them at all, such as the Hotline’s safety planning guidance.
Is Manipulation A Form Of Abuse?
Not every manipulative moment is abuse – most of us slip into it now and then. A repeated pattern of control, threats or isolation is a different story, and domestic violence organizations treat it as abuse, including the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Conclusion
It takes 2 things to outsmart a master manipulator:
- awareness of the fact that you are dealing with a manipulator
- actively looking for ways not to get caught in their web
Nietzsche put the cost of getting caught lying better than I can, in Beyond Good and Evil: “I am affected, not because you have deceived me, but because I can no longer believe in you.”
You can use the suggestions above to stay out of the web. Or, if you came up with your own, please share them with the rest of us in the comments section. I would love to hear what worked for you.
